


THE LAWS OF PHYSICS

by yangtrbl



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Burns, Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Attempt, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-07 13:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18874225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yangtrbl/pseuds/yangtrbl
Summary: Jaebum dreamed of gravity letting him go.





	THE LAWS OF PHYSICS

**Author's Note:**

> i seemingly only write when i feel fucking dreadful, despite that i hope you like this piece. it isn’t my best nor beautifully written but merely a way of escape, so i hope that you too can escape through this.
> 
> this is heavily centred around **domestic violence** , please be careful when reading. 
> 
> i have a playlist that i listened to whilst writing this which you can listen to  here
> 
> thank you for reading.

The memory burns in his mind as he lays awake on his uncomfortable mattress.

He remembers the eyes of his father that were drowned in anger, the brown eyes glazed over with burning fury. He hears his mother’s yells like they were being played back as background music. He remembers his mother’s muffled cries from the bathroom she locked herself in when his father drove off in the car he can’t drive. Jaebum remembers it all.

(He wishes he didn’t have to remember it at all).

The memory burns just like the burns on his mother’s skin after his father pours fuming spice all over her. The screams seem to echo in his brain as if it was glitching audio. It was all so fast: his mother rushes in to the living room where he sat, the door swinging open as she held her arm in pain, shouting at Jaebum’s father as Jaebum takes in the sight of her. Her purple blouse was stained with red, the ever strong smell of chilli following her wherever she went, her arm seemingly blistering with the burns that it left. Her eyebrows were knitted as her face formed into a pained scowl. He doesn’t know how this happened, but he wants it all to stop.

The music he had played seemed to pause on its own as if to tell him to watch and witness everything go to shit. He had to listen to his parents shout, yell out their lungs with Jaebum having no comprehension of what was happening like it was on autoplay. He felt like he was being forced to witness this because the universe had made sure he suffer more than he should.

If anyone ever asked Jaebum what his least favourite music genre was, he would answer with the sound of his mother crying.

His mother was strong, fearless and everything he cherished. She scared of nothing but the man she married, the man she bore children for, the man she gave money to so he could do God knows what, the man who searches her phone every minute in case she was being unfaithful. The man who left her with six children to look after herself. The man who asked for money when she was in the hospital after a heart attack. The man who left her broken and fearful.

Jaebum stands up, guarding his mother from the father he continues to try and lunge at her, mouth spilling out venomous lies to break down the walls his mother had spent years building. That was his father, small in stature but able to manifest so much fear. He spoke about his mother’s dead parents like they were scum as his mother cradles her arm in pain. His mother retaliates, the offence of having her parents’ reputation being tarnished because her husband cannot see his wrongs. They walk all over the house, imprinting their problems across the walls, the doors, leaving spice on the kitchen tiles. (It looks like blood, it reminds him of the time there was blood stained on the utility rooms tiles, extending like a trail from the door all the way to the bathroom along with the shattered glass that acted as rocks).

It seems as if he’s being punched. Everything speeds by him, all he hears are shutting doors to block his father away from his mother, the crashing of kitchen utensils, the cries of his baby sister as she cowers behind Jaebum’s legs as she watches with fear. The lies of assurance leave Jaebum’s lips as if it was second nature as he pats her head and keeping a distance between the two repelling forces that were his parents. His second oldest brother, twenty-one and autistic, makes guttural noises of distaste and anger. In return, his little sister cowers even more, digging herself further into Jaebum’s legs, causing him to bend slightly. Jaebum begs them to shut up, he yells at them to be quiet and realise what they are doing; his pleas fall on deaf ears as they momentarily stop only to continue their shouting with more fervour. He doesn’t know what he feels: he feels as if he was on a different wavelength from the world and himself. His reality were like gamma rays whereas the world was on the same wave frequency of a radio.

He doesn’t understand why he has to be the only one here, his older sister somewhere in school blissfully unaware of the chaos he must witness, his oldest brother off somewhere speeding in his flashy car that was exploited with exhausts and such and his younger brother too young to defend anyone, safe in the living room, only having to listen to the muffled screams as he distracts himself with YouTube videos that Jaebum despises on the TV. It’s unfair, Jaebum thinks as he blocks his father away as he shouts slamming the staircase to the point it bounces from the force. He wishes they’d just shut up, just disappear and leave Jaebum alone. But, Jaebum couldn’t just shut himself in his room like has always done when they fought (he always ends up next to them, because he knows what will happen if he wasn’t), they’d end up there anyway involving him in their duel without needing his input. He couldn’t let his mother suffer, he couldn’t let his mother cower just like his sister, a child; that was in humane.

Jaebum has always been aware of his father’s affect on his mother. Her fear of him coming back from his home at the border made her frantic and on edge, hovering the whole house, shouting at Jaebum and his siblings if they didn’t do anything with the sacred “your dad’s coming home,” line that wasn’t in any means because she was excited. She would always ask Jaebum to be quiet, not to say anything when his father was here: don’t ask to go shopping, don’t mention this, don’t mention that. It was never ending. He never really understood, he always absorbed it with great annoyance and anger, but he obeyed.

It wasn’t until he noticed their disputes becoming scarier and nastier that he really understood.

Jaebum used to be fond of his father. He admired him for the majority of his childhood, leaving it tainted in his colours. (Jaebum is almost glad he can’t remember his childhood—it being a blurry almost drunk and hazy dream—he was able to forget all the colours that his father created.) When his father left to open his restaurant and home in the borders, Jaebum was heartbroken. He remembers hazily waiting till twelve am for his father to come back from his job as a chef at a restaurant and be happy to see that he had brought food. Jaebum doesn’t know what changed, his being was manufactured to love now suddenly became cold and distant. Maybe, Jaebum was always like this but he just grew up and realised that life isn’t as smooth sailing as he once thought.

His father opens the front door. It was a beautiful sunny day outside, unlike the rainy and stormy battleground that was present inside Jaebum’s own home. He steps out, still shouting, allowing the whole neighbourhood to hear what Jaebum tries so hard to hide. The shadows of himself that he tries to hide from the world, from himself. His father challenges his mother, speaking something along the lines of: “Let’s do this outside, let everyone see!” and the “If you want me out, try it. Do it, take me out.” and Jaebum freaks. His mother asks him to shut the door, come back inside and to leave her alone for once. His father, as stubborn as he has always been, does not pay heed to her pleas and further continues to torment her by shouting out in their native language on their peaceful street. Jaebum is sick of it all.

He doesn’t know when his father shut the door and came back into the house. Jaebum and his mother were in the God forsaken utility room, as Jaebum barricades the door with his body, Jaebum can remember the protruded details of the door digging into his back uncomfortably, to make sure his father didn’t come back in and try to attack his mother who was still in pain from the abrasions on her arms. He tries to talk to her, ask her if she’s alright but she’s so out of it. She wore her new fear like an ill-fitted dress, overtaking her whole body. Her purple blouse now looked two-toned with the spice that was tattooed onto it, and Jaebum couldn’t look. His father barges in, the door slamming against the staircase making his entrance even more frightening to his mother, who believed she finally escaped. Jaebum follows his mother acting as her bodyguard, as she pushes his father away when he sneered in front of her face, spitting out toxic bullshit that burnt harsher than the burns on her upper arm.

He digs out his broken IPhone 6 Plus from his pocket and shoved it in his mother’s hands, opening the Phone app on his device. He dares her to call the police, he taunts her, fury etched onto his features as he growls, “Call them, see who they believe. Try it!” He shouts, with so much anger that Jaebum isn’t sure who the man is. His father prides himself in being so calm and rational, being the ‘nicer’ parent. Jaebum’s never believed it, always choosing his mother despite her rough ways of handling her children. He continues to berate her, shoving the IPhone deeper into her palm, he’s scared he’ll cut her skin from the cracks of his screen but Jaebum pushes the thought away. He doesn’t understand why his mother stands idly, why won’t she just tell him to leave?

It’s all a blur, so much motion that his eyes start to morph everything together. He’s not sure when his father left and he’s not sure how he ended up in the kitchen watching his mother stare off into the distance. He doesn’t know how it got to this: staring at his almost soulless mother, and listening to his little sister babble in the broken English only babies possess. He wants to go back, he wants to go back to anywhere but this.

Now, Jaebum stands in the doorway of the utility room playing with his baby sister as his mother enters the bathroom, he assumes its to rinse her eyes from spice (but Jaebum didn’t miss the tears in her eyes when he stood next to her when the phone was offered to her). Everything was quiet, despite Jaebum’s slightly shaking hands as he pats his sister’s head for the nth time that day. His false facade of peace is broken when he hears his mother’s cries and sobs and his heart breaks.

People hate the sounds of the screeching of a blackboard, tables creaking but Jaebum hates the sound of his mother in pain.

His oldest brother returns then too, Jaebum’s not sure if he noticed the odd lingering tension that ran through the house, Jaebum doesn’t ask. His brother isn’t somebody he really looks up to, if anything he’s mainly scared of him, but he also hates him but tolerated him at times. Jaebum always wonders why he stands by as his mother gets yelled at for minor situations, and why his brother decides to berate her too. He knows he doesn’t like it either, but he doesn’t know if it is because it inconveniences him or if he genuinely cares. His brother asks where his father is, all Jaebum can do is shrug — he doesn’t really care where his dad is, he doesn’t really want him to come back either. His brother talks to his little sister in a baby like voice for it only to be cut short by the loud wails of his mother, and Jaebum’s heart shakes.

Everything seems to stop for awhile. Jaebum is almost glad, finally everything seems to settle but he realises that it all still lingers. Energy cannot be destroyed, he remembers, it just transfers to its surroundings. His brother asks who it is, and Jaebum confesses it’s their mother; the strong rock who has never shown any emotion of defeat. The world seems tilted, the North is now South and vice versa. His brother is stunned. He’s out the door as soon as he came after a sudden awkward veil of silence encompasses the two, leaving Jaebum to look after his mother once again alone. He doesn’t care, he’d look after his mother forever alone if it meant she would never cry like she did that day. The bathroom door seems to remind Jaebum of everything he wants to protect when he walks by it, speeding past to forget what he heard.

A few minutes pass, his mother finally leaves the bathroom. The brown eyes that were once so calm, were now distraught and drowned in glistening tears. Jaebum doesn’t say anything because he knows that his mother would deny it. If there’s one thing Jaebum has realised is that his mother’s pride is the one thing she will defend; crying is weakness, being human is not acceptable. It was all too much, to see his mother so decomposed and broken, it didn’t make sense. Everything he seemed to believe seemed to crumble right in front of him and he could not resurrect it.

His mother was not a painting, he could not persevere her forever.

They’re in the kitchen now, the silence slowly becoming unsettling and Jaebum’s favourite sound. Jaebum never really enjoyed silence, but he can’t help but appreciate the calmness it brings to him. Silence never gave Jaebum anything but torment. Silence always brought along its bullies who tormented Jaebum all day and all night, so sneakily that nobody noticed—Jaebum’s not too sure if we wants anyone to know. Today, silence took pity on him. (Jaebum doesn’t like pity, but he’ll accept this if it meant the he didn’t have to face the world right now).

So, he stares and stares not sure if he should awake the resting noise. He knows he has to be careful, but Jaebum’s clumsy. Jaebum doesn’t know when to shut up. His mother doesn’t seem to even be aware, or even present. Whilst she was physically there, he was sure that she was floating somewhere else; escaping in a world of her own. Jaebum wonders what it’s like, he wonders if he’s there with her, or if there’s big beautiful blue skies for miles, where the sun shines and glistens in his mother’s brown eyes. Jaebum wants to join her, hold her hand and watch her smile. This world is cruel, he knows, he understands that his mother will never find peace in a reality that seems to tear her down and Jaebum can’t do anything about it because life is an unstoppable cycle: it doesn’t wait for you, it doesn’t stop for you, it doesn’t feel for you. Life is harsh, but life doesn’t understand that.

His mother reaches for farthest cabinet, it contains detailed glass cups and pills. Jaebum’s forgotten Vitamin D tablets lay there, untouched for about two days. He also knows what’s in there: his mother’s tablets, Paracetamol and Codeine he recalls, that she was prescribed when she had her heart attack. He knows that she doesn’t need them now, he knows that it’s highly addictive, the tablet box being covered in warnings. He knows that she’s not supposed to take them now and he panics.

Jaebum follows her around, standing in the kitchen in any place where she wouldn’t dare take the tablet. He would lean on the refrigerator; the counter, the breakfast table, anywhere where she’d not take them. Jaebum saw her stuff them into her trousers, Jaebum sees how she lingers near the sink. Jaebum knows because that was him two years ago. Jaebum knows what it is like to give up so freely, to let your lethargic bones rest, to fall so willingly. He remembers the amount he took, he remembers going to the hospital and being articles with questions from his doctors, and he denied every single one, because he was fine. Life is so cruel: he couldn’t leave the world and now life wants to take his mother away.

(Jaebum would do anything for his mother to stay alive, even if he meant he’d take the hits for her).

He sees himself in his mother, the realisation slowly igniting fear into his bones. He reluctantly decides to disturb the peace. His voice was loud, clear and assertive as he bid farewell to the sympathetic silence that he had only just said hello to, “Did you take only one tablet?” he already knows the answer, he saw with his own two eyes he swallowing one tablet but stuffing the rest in her trousers when Jaebum came back into the kitchen. She nods. His mother isn’t one for conversation, only basic gestures of affirmation or small noises of confirmation was her usual go to when it came to communication. It used to annoy Jaebum until he started to do the same, he now appreciates the times his mother has a full conversation with him. He accepts her answer and allows the silence to come back with open arms. He tries to reassure himself that his mother won’t do anything, she won’t take more pills when he steps out the kitchen for a moment: to check on his little brother, who is still annoyingly watching the television, or to make sure everything was OK.

He still stands idly in the kitchen. It’s awkward to Jaebum, he’s aware that he’s quite an awkward person, he’s sure that his mother probably feels nothing at this moment - maybe she’s feeling emotions of despair and hopelessness, but not much else (not that Jaebum expects any other emotion from his usually emotionless mother). His mother and him aren’t much different, they feel a limited amount of emotions which range from a scale of unreasonable rage to nothingness. But, he stays because he’s scared. He knows his mother acts on impulse, he’s seen it with his own eyes and maybe it’s from the amount of times his mother would threaten that she’s going to leave: leave Jaebum and everyone else when she and his father fights. Or, maybe it’s when his mother talks about wanting to die so openly.

It reminds Jaebum so much of himself. Jaebum has never liked himself, and he hates that his mother acts like him.

The doorbell rings, due to the quietness of the house it seems to blare in their ears. Jaebum wonders who it is: his neighbours, he doesn’t care who it is he just hopes it’s not his father. He doesn’t want to answer the door, he won’t be able to look after his mother, he won’t be to see if she swallows all the pills and he won’t be able to stop it. His mother ushers him to answer the door, he reluctantly obeys because he knows that she won’t move.

So, Jaebum rushes. He takes long, quick strides towards the front door, unhooking the keys from their hook and looks through the small glass window that the door had. It’s his father. His stomach drops. Jaebum had thought that his father had left in his car, but as he looks out the window he notices his car is still there. He probably went out to smoke when he left earlier, much to Jaebum’s disappointment. When he opens the door, he expects his father to yell at him, or come barging in and start looking for his mother, so Jaebum opens the door slightly and questions him as to why he is here in a monotone voice, so calm and quiet unlike the thoughts that were rioting in his brain. His father asks for his car keys, and he’s off as soon as he left. He looks out the small window again, his heart feeling a strange satisfaction as he sees his father drive off. (Jaebum can’t find himself to feel guilty about it).

The satisfaction disappears just like his father and the dread and fear comes back stronger than it arrived. He walks hastily to the kitchen, hearing the water running and the tap being turned off just as quickly. He enters the kitchen to the sight of his mother chugging down a cup of water, and Jaebum realises that he has failed.

Jaebum has failed many things. He’s failed his mathematics exams; his geography exams, he’s failed taking his own life two years back. Jaebum never cared about failure, but yet he cannot stop himself from failing his own mother.

All Jaebum can do is stare and stand. Jaebum doesn’t want to believe it, he’s scared. He feels guilty, he blames himself. Maybe, if Jaebum didn’t exist they’d both be happy. He doesn’t know why he believes this, but he does and he regrets ever making his mother endure him for so long. He regrets breaking his mother’s heart three years back. He doesn’t know what to do and he feels so defeated.

Time speeds by in a blur, Jaebum can’t remember anything other than standing in the kitchen. His mother has her phone in her hand trying to call a number, Jaebum thinks it’s a helpline though he’s not sure, his mother is not one to seek help. Jaebum still follows her around and he’s aware that she is getting increasingly annoyed.

She’s fed up, he knows. She finally snaps, “Please, leave me alone.” She says so hopelessly and Jaebum’s heart breaks yet again. He’s angry too, he’s not sure what of: himself, or maybe the fact he couldn’t stop her, or he couldn’t save her from his father.

Jaebum leaves the kitchen, all his chaotic emotions trailing behind him. Jaebum can’t help but think that he is a failure.

Jaebum lays awake, his eyes close slowly and all he can dream of is gravity finally letting him go.

(He smiles, finally).

 

**Author's Note:**

> i rushed it a little at the end, but i hope you enjoyed this and find a sort of escape through this piece. please talk to someone if you feel extreme hopelessness and/or feel as if death would be a better option because i can promise you, you will find something to live for, and you deserve to be alive and experience your own journey. you are deserving of a happy life, and you mean something to someone.
> 
> thank you so much for reading.


End file.
